Guilty Pleasures: The Vermont Country Store Catalog
Feety pajamas, Lemon Up shampoo, and a bonanza of booze-filled chocolates.
One of my guiltiest pleasures arrives in the mail from the state of Vermont. It is so wonderfully written, and filled with so many rare and curious objects, that I tend to lose myself in it.
It is the catalog of the Vermont Country Store, which is located in Weston, Vermont and run by the Orton Family. It is the retailing version of oldies radio. It sells “forgotten gems from yesteryear” — for example, shampoos like “Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific,” Lemon up and Flat to Fluffy, “formulated for today’s hair.” Not sure what that means, but considering the clientele, it probably means gray.
It has an enormous selection of candies filled with liqueur to get you through family holiday get-togethers. The section is called “Spirited Treats to Make You Merry,” and folks in Vermont must be very merry indeed. The catalog reads: “Austrian Coconut Chocolate Balls with a Rum and Vodka Liquid center will knock your socks off.” “German Dark Chocolate Filled with Brandy and Coffee — The Perfect Nightcap.” And here’s how the catalog describes another option: “Top off your holiday dessert with rich, decadent hot fudge sauce laced with Bailey’s Irish Cream Liqueur. Just take one whiff — Wow!” Now we know why gram and gramps are so mellow around the holidays. They’re getting loaded on “Raspberry Liqueur-Infused Chocolate Cake — Two Bites and Watch Out.”
I checked for Easter candies spiked with booze, but couldn’t find any… wait a minute, hold on… “Brandy-filled German chocolates, made on the Rhine since 1924 at the Asbach distillery. The only distillery in the world with its own chocolate factory.” Man, what a jolly workplace that must be! It’s like the Bavarians have found the only way possible to one-up Willy Wonka. I’m guessing these liqueur-filled chocolates account for a large percentage of the German export boom, just behind machine tools and BMWs.
I also spend a lot of time reading about the jellies and jams. I’d like to try them all slathered on hot buttered toast: Strawberry rhubarb, Seville orange marmalade, roasted garlic and onion jelly…say what? That’s just wrong. The only thing I can imagine that would be worse to put garlic in would be shampoo. They have that too, for $9.95. I suppose it’s for people who are looking for an option to “Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific.”
I often fantasize about working at the Vermont Country Store, wearing fleece-lined slippers and writing catalog entries, sampling the jams and liqueur-filled chocolates all day to help me better describe them. Their writers are top-notch — both witty and able to sell a product with all the finesse and storytelling of the old J. Peterman catalog. About how many catalogs can you say, “I couldn’t put it down?” They should have blurbs on the back from other great New England writers, like John Irving or Stephen King. King probably orders flannel PJs from them. The feety ones. It’s cold in Maine.
I realize I am slipping deeper and deeper into the catalog’s demographic. Less and less do I enjoy their offerings ironically, but instead with a deep longing. Yes, that hot water bottle would be wonderful at the foot of the bed. I wonder how my wife would like it if I started dabbing on a little Jade East in the morning. It’s the mail order version of wanting to hear the Carpenters again.
I’ve been to their website and it’s just not the same as reading the printed catalog. It’s like listening to oldies on the computer; they sound better over a tinny car radio.
Okay, gotta go and get my resume ready. I’ve decided to apply for a job at the Asbach distillery/chocolate factory. Disneyland, the happiest place on Earth? I don’t think so.
